I'm not going into the details, but let's just say that years of raising a daughter to be conscience of herself and others seemed undone in a matter of 10-15 messages between friends. And in the grand scheme of things, my daughter is a good kid and so the events around the ruination of the weekend were simply disappointment that all of the messaging I have been doing with my daughter since she was very young to respect herself and others seemed to go out the window when it came to her decision making in the last few weeks.
My friends and I have lots of interesting discussions about social media, what it is doing to us as adults and our children. My daughter and I have spent a lot of time talking about appropriate behavior on social media, and in general, with social situations. Hence the sense of failure as a parent I felt when I realized that some of that conversation was theory and then when it came to implementing, she lacked the context to successfully do so. I felt that I had done such a great job of preparing her for those tough situations, but in fact I had simply provided a support structure that was invisible when it came to keeping her from falling out of the windows. Talk about a great opportunity for a teaching moment. Hence the painful weekend.
Then I listened to this week's Note to Self which was called Sexiness, Social Media and Teenage Girls. Unbelievably timely! I had to check out Peggy Orenstein's books as a result and am currently immersing into Girls and Sex: Navigating the Complicated New Landscape. The best line from the podcast for me was:
"Every girl knows they are going to get more 'likes' if they post a picture of themselves in a bikini then when she puts one up in a parka"It's all about the context of your behavior in the midst of everyone else's! As a parent, that difference in the behavior of others is the logic killer. My daughter absolutely knows that being confident and dressing attractive (i.e. sexy clothes) is a fine line and there are limits. The question is how do you know the difference between using your body as a source of confidence and power and when it's actually low self esteem and need for validation? How do any of us know that? Social marketing messages encourage girls to feel comfortable with their own body shape and size. But what happens when that is message is exhibited by the gorgeous 14-year old wearing a bikini that makes you cringe at the thought that she can now pass as a 21-year-old? How do you know when a girl is truly confident versus simply needs more 'likes'? Who is taking something virtuous like the Dove Campaign and turning it into Kardashian World???
Sunday left our house with a little more understanding as a family as to what it's like to have a teen in this media-saturated world. All of us have learned a lot about ourselves and each other this weekend. My daughter is learning to survive without any digital connections to the outside world and her dad is learning to what is like to be the father of a teenage girl. And I'm still convinced that advocating for my gender in a world driven by male-dominated messaging is fight worth fighting.
